In honor of the new December issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, which boasts the 100 best sex tips of the year, The Frenemy decided to present it’s rival list. Let’s see which one is more useful.

1. Claw your way out of his insides
2. Open him up like a steamed mussel
3. Repeat “they’re not like us” over and over again without explaining what that means
4. Wrap your legs around his head and go from there
5. Talk about the latest episode of Whitney and defend the single camera sitcom while copulating
6. Life is like a board game. Yell “Sorry” and “Trouble” with every chance you get
7. Also, “Balls come out of my mouth” like Mr. Bucket
8. Mirror everything your partner does
9. Wear a teddy, only it’s a teddy bear strapped to your chin
10. Bring a weapon into the bed! Dangerous is the new sexy!
11. Close your eyes the entire time
12. Fill your mouth with caramel and only expose it when he’s about to climax
13. Refuse to kiss him just like Julia Roberts does in Pretty Woman
14. Call your mom, or “Call your Girlfriend” like Robyn on her recent appearance on Jay Leno
15. Start every bit of sexy talk with “Have you Heard????” like Jay Leno’s monologues
16. Wear pants the entire time (around your hands, if you’re fearless!)
17. Hold a doll and then name it in the middle
18. Summon Jesus because he’s already there
19. Summon Satan because he’ll come if you need him to
20. Act like you have rabies, but never admit that’s not true and then let him get the shots later
21. Question him on all the characters from Game of Thrones
22. Put a mask of Jon Hamm on his face
23. In this sexual fantasy, he is the king and you are wife from King of Queens and consistently berate him for being a fat asshole
24. Have pictures of him from middle school surrounding you and stare at them and say ‘finally’ all the time..have newspaper cuttings all over the wall
25. Give him a blow job, except pretend that the ear is the penis
26. Tell him you don’t have a vagina just a black hole
27. Convince him to do meth because you like Aaron Paul on Breaking Bad
28. Make him only do missionary and then keep sighing “it’s just like we’ve been married for 30 years” but really enjoy it and go WOOO
29. Read the “Feminist Ryan Gosling” blog and ask him if he agrees
30. Talk about your ex-boyfriends by reading your old journal entries. Show him the blank pages and tell him ‘this is for you’
31. Ask if you can open up his chest cavity
32. Pour blood from a vial onto the bed
33. Keep an axe by the door and tell him it’s for later
34. Burn the bed down and have sex from the ashes
35. Refuse to acknowledge him during sex
36. Release a hamster in the bed and have him try and find it
37. Spoil the ending of The Sixth Sense
38. Ask him to paint you wearing this..only this, Jack, but it’s a a squirrel
39. Vomit on his chest because you’ve been drinking and you know you have
40. Die alone with all of your cats
41. Call him George if his name isn’t George
42. Try to make him a fried piece of butter because you saw it on Paula Deen
43. Blog about your sexual activities during sex because you have a dating blog
44. Rob him of his fortune
45. Perform a failed exorcism on him
46. Cry continuously
47. Or roll your eyes
48. Try to burn him at the stake
49. Release the dogs
50. Dress exactly like his mom with a nametag that says ‘your mom’
51. Give him a flu shot beforehand just in case, you really never know
52. Sing Adele songs at him because you know he’ll leave you just like the rest of them
53. Give him a handjob with a hand you keep in the closet
54. Pour hot sauce all over his penis and then make a taco out of it
55. Say “that’s what she said” over and over again and then ask for high fives
56. For the first half of intercourse, laugh alone with salad
57. Entwine your bodies into one lump and it is magical and beautiful
58. Rub petroleum jelly all over your body and tell him you’re a slug
59. Read excerpts of Cosmo to him…the stories about herpes will do just fine
60. Casually tell him the sad tale of The Fox and The Hound
61. Make a sandwich during sex
62. Make him a human sandwich
63. Or unhinge your jaw and consume him
64. Repeat lines of the Lion King especially “Be Prepared” and try to hold him up like Simba
65. Yap like a dog
66. Analyze your sex with the works of Jean Paul Sartre
67. Tell him ‘you’re not trying to enjoy this or anything’ and then be sarcastic for the rest of the night
68. Put a clown nose on his penis
69. Play only high school commencement speeches on your Ipod
70. Talk about your wedding, show him the visionboard of your wedding
71. Tell him ‘my diseases aren’t contagious’ at least 3 times 
72. Question his sexuality and yours
73. Have your friends in the room being like ‘oh he’s TOTALLY into you..he really likes you’
74. Try to dress him up like Britney Spears when she beat up the car with the umbrella
75. Project the scene from Willy Wonka where they go into that creepy cave and it’s scary and he sings..or play the Jason theme song
76. Try not to die
77. Give him harrowing statistics about teen sexuality and watch Lifetime movies
78. Read him excerpts of Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons
79. Accuse him of being a vampire and stab a stake into his heart just to make sure
80. Hack into his email 
81. Assure him your bestiality phase was years ago
82. Post his penis on Reddit
83. Try to re-circumcise him only if he is circumcised
84. Imitate Morgan Freeman
85. Wear an eyepatch on your left breast
86. Pierce his ears with either earrings or your bursts of song
87. Tell him about the unbearable lightness of being
88. Dirty talk him but only if it’s about mud
89. Wear stockings but on HIS face, convict him in a bank robbery
90. Read Courtney Stodden’s twitter out loud and therefore only use alliteration like ‘sexually seducing my sweet sultry sweat’
91. Text him during intercourse with stuff like..Miss you already
92. Try to make an omelette on his chest, if he’s ‘hot’ it’ll work
93. Only use Cosmopolitan’s lexicon for the word penis ‘Do you want me to suck your package member balls throbbing thing?’
94. Rick Roll him because Internet trends from a year ago are hilarious 
95. Speak only in Korean, learn it if you have to
96. Sacrifice yourself for the sake of intercourse, it’s the only way
97. Baby talk him and try to give him the stuffed animals that are watching you
98. Show him the tattoo you got of his face seven years ago
99. Light candles but the candles are pregnancy tests
100. Don’t have sex at all