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soo i haven’t been on tumblr in a while… and this is the first of many drunk tumbles…. maybe. Let’s see how this goes.

So i’ve spent the last few days up in the hospital… because my boyfriend has been there for the last three days. tomorrow will make four days. Shit. So today was really frightening. I won’t go into it here… or now… because I’m still kinda going through it… but I hope none of you have to go through this. It sucks. I literally haven’t eaten in days from the stress I’m going through right now. And six or seven shots in I’m getting drunk… That never happens… holy fuck. Oh well. 

'till next time, fellow tumblers. 


100 Best Sex Tips of the Year

100 Best Sex Tips of the Year

In honor of the new December issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, which boasts the 100 best sex tips of the year, The Frenemy decided to present it’s rival list. Let’s see which one is more useful.

  1. Claw your way out of his insides
  2. Open him up like a steamed mussel
  3. Repeat “they’re not like us” over and over again without explaining what that means
  4. Wrap your legs around his head and go from there
  5. Talk about the latest episode of Whitney and defend the single camera sitcom while copulating
  6. Life is like a board game. Yell “Sorry” and “Trouble” with every chance you get
  7. Also, “Balls come out of my mouth” like Mr. Bucket
  8. Mirror everything your partner does
  9. Wear a teddy, only it’s a teddy bear strapped to your chin
  10. Bring a weapon into the bed! Dangerous is the new sexy!
  11. Close your eyes the entire time
  12. Fill your mouth with caramel and only expose it when he’s about to climax
  13. Refuse to kiss him just like Julia Roberts does in Pretty Woman
  14. Call your mom, or “Call your Girlfriend” like Robyn on her recent appearance on Jay Leno
  15. Start every bit of sexy talk with “Have you Heard????” like Jay Leno’s monologues
  16. Wear pants the entire time (around your hands, if you’re fearless!)
  17. Hold a doll and then name it in the middle
  18. Summon Jesus because he’s already there
  19. Summon Satan because he’ll come if you need him to
  20. Act like you have rabies, but never admit that’s not true and then let him get the shots later
  21. Question him on all the characters from Game of Thrones
  22. Put a mask of Jon Hamm on his face
  23. In this sexual fantasy, he is the king and you are wife from King of Queens and consistently berate him for being a fat asshole
  24. Have pictures of him from middle school surrounding you and stare at them and say ‘finally’ all the time..have newspaper cuttings all over the wall
  25. Give him a blow job, except pretend that the ear is the penis
  26. Tell him you don’t have a vagina just a black hole
  27. Convince him to do meth because you like Aaron Paul on Breaking Bad
  28. Make him only do missionary and then keep sighing “it’s just like we’ve been married for 30 years” but really enjoy it and go WOOO
  29. Read the “Feminist Ryan Gosling” blog and ask him if he agrees
  30. Talk about your ex-boyfriends by reading your old journal entries. Show him the blank pages and tell him ‘this is for you’
  31. Ask if you can open up his chest cavity
  32. Pour blood from a vial onto the bed
  33. Keep an axe by the door and tell him it’s for later
  34. Burn the bed down and have sex from the ashes
  35. Refuse to acknowledge him during sex
  36. Release a hamster in the bed and have him try and find it
  37. Spoil the ending of The Sixth Sense
  38. Ask him to paint you wearing this..only this, Jack, but it’s a a squirrel
  39. Vomit on his chest because you’ve been drinking and you know you have
  40. Die alone with all of your cats
  41. Call him George if his name isn’t George
  42. Try to make him a fried piece of butter because you saw it on Paula Deen
  43. Blog about your sexual activities during sex because you have a dating blog
  44. Rob him of his fortune
  45. Perform a failed exorcism on him
  46. Cry continuously
  47. Or roll your eyes
  48. Try to burn him at the stake
  49. Release the dogs
  50. Dress exactly like his mom with a nametag that says ‘your mom’
  51. Give him a flu shot beforehand just in case, you really never know
  52. Sing Adele songs at him because you know he’ll leave you just like the rest of them
  53. Give him a handjob with a hand you keep in the closet
  54. Pour hot sauce all over his penis and then make a taco out of it
  55. Say “that’s what she said” over and over again and then ask for high fives
  56. For the first half of intercourse, laugh alone with salad
  57. Entwine your bodies into one lump and it is magical and beautiful
  58. Rub petroleum jelly all over your body and tell him you’re a slug
  59. Read excerpts of Cosmo to him…the stories about herpes will do just fine
  60. Casually tell him the sad tale of The Fox and The Hound
  61. Make a sandwich during sex
  62. Make him a human sandwich
  63. Or unhinge your jaw and consume him
  64. Repeat lines of the Lion King especially “Be Prepared” and try to hold him up like Simba
  65. Yap like a dog
  66. Analyze your sex with the works of Jean Paul Sartre
  67. Tell him ‘you’re not trying to enjoy this or anything’ and then be sarcastic for the rest of the night
  68. Put a clown nose on his penis
  69. Play only high school commencement speeches on your Ipod
  70. Talk about your wedding, show him the visionboard of your wedding
  71. Tell him ‘my diseases aren’t contagious’ at least 3 times 
  72. Question his sexuality and yours
  73. Have your friends in the room being like ‘oh he’s TOTALLY into you..he really likes you’
  74. Try to dress him up like Britney Spears when she beat up the car with the umbrella
  75. Project the scene from Willy Wonka where they go into that creepy cave and it’s scary and he sings..or play the Jason theme song
  76. Try not to die
  77. Give him harrowing statistics about teen sexuality and watch Lifetime movies
  78. Read him excerpts of Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons
  79. Accuse him of being a vampire and stab a stake into his heart just to make sure
  80. Hack into his email 
  81. Assure him your bestiality phase was years ago
  82. Post his penis on Reddit
  83. Try to re-circumcise him only if he is circumcised
  84. Imitate Morgan Freeman
  85. Wear an eyepatch on your left breast
  86. Pierce his ears with either earrings or your bursts of song
  87. Tell him about the unbearable lightness of being
  88. Dirty talk him but only if it’s about mud
  89. Wear stockings but on HIS face, convict him in a bank robbery
  90. Read Courtney Stodden’s twitter out loud and therefore only use alliteration like ‘sexually seducing my sweet sultry sweat’
  91. Text him during intercourse with stuff like..Miss you already
  92. Try to make an omelette on his chest, if he’s ‘hot’ it’ll work
  93. Only use Cosmopolitan’s lexicon for the word penis ‘Do you want me to suck your package member balls throbbing thing?’
  94. Rick Roll him because Internet trends from a year ago are hilarious 
  95. Speak only in Korean, learn it if you have to
  96. Sacrifice yourself for the sake of intercourse, it’s the only way
  97. Baby talk him and try to give him the stuffed animals that are watching you
  98. Show him the tattoo you got of his face seven years ago
  99. Light candles but the candles are pregnancy tests
  100. Don’t have sex at all

Thoughts on Eno.

Begin with a dazzling quartz crystal. Fade up to soft focus on a warm bed being made warmer. Soft sighs heard from beneath the covers are transformed into space meows somehow sensed through the windows of a 747. The plane glides to earth, eventually disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle, where you are seductively attacked by the stewardess in Jamaican chainsaw rhythm. She is easily eluded, however, and you swim to the surface just in time to see your purplebaired secretary teaching the switchboard nursery rhymes. The typewriter on her desk retorts with a funky clarinet imitation. You walk out the door and are immediately sizzled by a sunshower. When your eyes can focus again, you’re back at borne, staring at your smiling turntable as the needle returns to play the side over again, refusing to reject the record….

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